my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
