I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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