so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
