He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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