we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
