were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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