If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I have post one night stand depression
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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