remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
