I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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