youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
