I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
