i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
