I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
