Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Houston, we have a blender
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
