Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
