please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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