Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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