i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
