I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
