My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
