I got her a Nickelback box set.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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