Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
