If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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