He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
