My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize