Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
