I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He shit in the fireplace
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
