i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Boobs speak an international language.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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