I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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