You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
