Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
