the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
