Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
