so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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