you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
