Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize