Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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