you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize