so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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