sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
