Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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