I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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