You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
