don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
