i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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