I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
