I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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