Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this just has baby written all over it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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