So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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