Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
