Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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