we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
