Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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