I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
