matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
