So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ketchup is God's man juice
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
