When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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