So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
