i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
