Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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