I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
