I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
