Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize