i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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