that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
