I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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