I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
