We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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