Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
