I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
