I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
