I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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