Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
